


The garden, the blind man, I hope you know.

by NoPitSoDeep



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Balthazar-Centric, Flashback, I'm sorry-freeform, M/M, Oneshot, because balthazar is my bby, coda to 06x22: the man who knew too much, fucking Cas, fucking killing people, major sads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-08 04:58:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/757317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoPitSoDeep/pseuds/NoPitSoDeep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel would like to pretend he feels nothing, as his brother collapses in front of him, but he knows better.</p>
<p>Balthazar's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The garden, the blind man, I hope you know.

**Author's Note:**

> First SPN fic, please be kind!

"Cas..."

Balthazar's grace, when he dies, explodes. It shatters, and flies outward, sending a blast of light and energy and _feeling_ out into the world, which flies for miles out of the abandoned complex where he falls to his knees. 

Dean feels it, as he's getting out of the Impala and looking at the building. It pushes him back, makes his step falter as though he's been hit by a hard, fast wind. 

Bobby feels it, standing next to Dean, and it rattles him, because he's old and weathered enough that he knows ancient like the back of his hand, and this, whatever it is, it's more than ancient. It's something else. It's something he's never felt before. 

Sam feels it, as he's stumbling toward where Dean told him to go, dazed, confused, and half-dead. He's hit with a raw power that he can't define, and is knocked backward, pushed into a tree which he slumps down, winded by the force of it hitting him.

Castiel would like to pretend he feels nothing, as his brother collapses in front of him, but he knows better. Castiel stays perfectly still, but inside, he reels at the pure, unadulterated hurt that wafts through him, that travels through every inch of his vessel and grace, leaving a dull ache in its wake. He wants to push back the memories that flood into him like water into a basin, but he can't. They're there, they're inescapable, they're forced into him as Balthazar fades away. 

 

 

_He's still a fledgling, still unsure in the beating of his wings, smaller than most of the other angels, when God first allows animals to walk. He watches as a fish pulls itself out of the water, and flops on land, and steps over to it, peering at it curiously. He starts to take another step, to crush it, but there are suddenly arms around his waist, and a strong grip pulling him up._

_"Don't step on that fish, Castiel." Balthazar says, his voice soft and teasing as he hoists his little brother up on his shoulders. "That's a very important fish."_

_~_

_"Castiel." Balthazar chuckles, as the little angel peers out at him from behind his silky black feathers. "Dove, where have you gotten off to? I just can't find you anywhere." Castiel giggles quietly, and shuffles the wings back in front of him while Balthazar paces around the room, pointedly looking over the little lump of black and tan that is now Castiel._

_"Gotcha!" He laughs an instant later, and swoops down, pulling the younger angel up against his chest, and twirling him around in a cirlce. Castiel shrieks with laughter, and clings to Balthazar's neck, grinning more widely than he ever has before._

_~_

_"No!"_

_"Castiel-"_

_"NO!"_

_"Cassie, it's alright, I'll just--"_

_"Don't leave!"_

_Balthazar huffs out a breath, and kneels down, holding Castiel still by his upper arms. The little angel is angry, his chest puffed out, his face pink with anger and disappointment as he glares petulantly at Balthazar, tears pooling in his eyes. Balthazar moves one hand up, and smooths back Castiel's hair, smirking halfheartedly at his brother._

_"Cassie, you know I've got to go. Dad says so." Castiel looks at the floor, and Balthazar can see the wetness on his cheeks as he starts to cry, quietly. Balthazar bites his lip, and pulls him close, hugging him tight. "It'll be alright, dove. I'll be back soon. But I've got to fight, you know that."_

_Castiel pulls back, and nods, sniffing softly. "Okay." He mumbles, and Balthazar smiles slightly, cupping his tiny cheek, and tilting his head up to look at him. Castiel reaches up with adorably small hands, and takes Balthazar's face between them, pulling him down so that he can lay a kiss on his nose. "Won't get hurt, right, Bal?" He asks, and Balthazar shakes his head, shifting to press his face into the crook of Castiel's neck. "Not gonna leave me?"_

_"No, dove. Never."_

_~_

_They come stumbling back into heaven together, with Balthazar leaning heavily on Castiel's shoulders, and Castiel supporting him with an arm around his waist. They're both bloody and broken, Balthazar having used his wings to protect them as Samael cast fire down upon them during the battle, and now the smell of burning feathers wafts through the air, making both their stomachs churn._

_They spend that night sharing grace, allowing their essences to seep together and heal the wounds that they cannot heal themselves. Castiel makes Balthazar lie on his stomach, and combs his fingers through the downy brown feathers, some still singed even in spite of his best efforts. Balthazar is a great warrior, and an excellent fighter, but it still burns at Castiel inside to see him like this._

_It always will._

_~_

_"Cassie, how do you want to die?"_

_He's thrown by the question, and has to pause for a moment before answering. Balthazar's vessel's fingers trail down his own's spine, and he shifts his head slightly where it lies on the older angel's chest._

_"Quickly."_

_Balthazar laughs softly, and shakes his head, running a hand through Castiel's hair._

_"No, dove, **how**?" Castiel is quiet for a moment, about to ask what he means, but Balthazar goes on. "With who, where, when." _

_"I prefer not to consider that, Balthazar." Cas says honestly, and Balthazar shakes his head again, going silent. After a few minutes, Castiel asks,_

_"Do you know?" Balthazar's quiet for a long time, and then he nods, tightening his hold on Castiel ever-so-slightly._

_"I don't care how it happens, or what I'm doing. I don't care how much it hurts." He rubs his thumb over the back of Cas's neck. "But I want you there with me. I want to look at you one more time, before I go. I want to say goodbye."_

_They don't speak, after that, but Castiel pushes himself up on his elbows, and leans forward, catching Balthazar's lips with his own in a fervent kiss, and he doesn't need to say it for Balthazar to hear the 'Please don't leave me', and Balthazar doesn't need to respond 'Never' for Castiel to know._

 

It isn't until he's alone, and walking through a grove of olive trees after he's been brought back again that he can fall to the ground, and sink his fingers deep into it, closing his eyes as tightly as they'll go to ward off the tears that are pooling in them. 

"Bring him back." He begs, slamming his fists into the ground like a child, like he did when he was young, demanding that which he can't have. "Please, father, bring him back." The rain begins to fall, and even in his bedraggled, somewhat brain-damaged state, Castiel can look up at the sky, and sob for what he's lost. "He's gone. He's gone, father, and I need him back, he's gone, please." 

He's not sure he hears it, and he may never be, but somewhere in the wind and the water, a voice whispers in his ear. 

"Never, dove. Never."

 

**Author's Note:**

> So Bal calls Cas 'dove' because I said so.  
> Reviews are love! Don't hurt me!


End file.
